Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
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Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Yeah. This was me today.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.