Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…

I’ve been his customer for 6 years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

Convenience. My nearest worm shop is miles away.

Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar

I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets

*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.

“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”

Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.

I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.

Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”

I call my wife “Wordle”

She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.

older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies

i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.

BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please

Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.

*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”

But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?

[walking into museum]

i must read each and every description, really soak up the history

*after 20 minutes*

can i sit on this or is it art?

Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?

Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.

Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”

I still have no idea when to iron that thing.

My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.

ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful

HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was

ME: ok now i’m bummed again

I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.

Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food

I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*

Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.

You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.

“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.

Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.

Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.

Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.