Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’

Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team

NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money

Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.

Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.

😂

[first date]

Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?

i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”

Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.

Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.

Instructor: Welcome to class.

The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord

Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?

Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.

Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?

Her:

Me:

Her: Sure, let’s go with that.

If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency

I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”

I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.

romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission

I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.

When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”

Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake

I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them

Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.

Support your local cemetery

these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some

My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.

You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.

Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.

Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.

“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.

I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …

Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.

[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside