Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!

A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer

now i lay me down to sleep
i pray the lord my soul to keep
and if i die before i wake
please hurl my phone into a lake

Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*

Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.

if we get nuked while i’m at work i’m gonna be so mad

Vishnu bud you’re gonna want to sit down for this

[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand

I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’

ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something

“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library

Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.

Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?

Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.

People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.

I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.

I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.

Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher

Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?

If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?

“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.

me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder

her: lol like what

me: well, most of its grandmas

her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see

Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?

You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget

Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”

Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.

If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.

HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan

Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry

SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER

why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb