Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.

Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth

Just did a big green poo by a canal

Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.

Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune

I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?

“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”

Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn

Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.

I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.

I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.

The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.

Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.

Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.

i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.

Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.

I love it

Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.

Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.

Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.

Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe

“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”

– Worst ER doc

[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?

“You do the math”

My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.

*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*

Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.

Imagine if food was sports

No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.

her: what do you do for a living

me: I can’t tell you

her: like a spy

me: no I’m an eye doctor

her: oh an ophthalmologist

me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it