son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
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We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Once on Rosh Hashanah when I was 14 or 15, I took a red potato & cut it perfectly to look like an apple slice, dipped it in honey & then gave it to my little sister. She has still not forgiven me or forgotten.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.