Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssst

GOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE

Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?

*later walking home*

Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies

My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.

boss: what are u doing

me: *pretends to read email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”

[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts

[dinner negotiations]

Wife: where do you want to go to eat?

Me: ugh

Wife:

Me: you pick

Wife: I’m craving kale

Me: I’ll pick

First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*

Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*

My kid: Teacher do you poop?

You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:

Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house

You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.

By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?

Him: Could you be any more annoying?

Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.

My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.

This makes total sense…

genie: hello-

me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: 24 glasses of milk

Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?

Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.

I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next

You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.

My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee

It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.

Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.

Morning my dudes.

u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same

Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.

Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.

Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?

[Christmas]

ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?

HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?

ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.

Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.

April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u