Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

new workout goal is to have a body where after I commit a crime, the media posts my shirtless pics and everyone’s like WOW

Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?

When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing

Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.

I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed

Me: oh shit I am running so late

My dog: [barfs]

what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy

judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor

awkward

Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂

My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest

My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”

My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.

Me: How was your first day of school?

5-year-old: Long.

Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.

5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?

ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.

I see that your IQ test came back negative.

getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house

When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it

If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold

Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call

Instagram: look how pretty everything is

Facebook: look how easy everything is

Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest

Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is

I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.

So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF

I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.

Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”

“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”

haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?

If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!

not sure why we don’t use this thing more often

Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine