Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.

we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi

Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.

I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.

Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.

Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.

me when i smell free food in the break room

ME: I’ve been depressed lately

DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability

ME: what

DOCTOR: what

I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”

It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.

Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”

Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.

Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe

grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?

me: no. one only.

Ladies time to start dating the older dudes

They can get you in the grocery store earlier

Wife: I want to see some snow.

Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.

Wife: I’d rather see snow.

*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”

*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.

Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.

Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.

As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day

[space station]

me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty

her: seriously?

me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that

Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.

A completely valid reaction tbh

My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.

Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.

Fun game:

Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours

Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.

There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.

I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.

me: I want a tattoo

tattoo artist: where?

me: how about over there on that chair

tattoo artist: no, where on your body?

me: on my skin, dude

tattoo artist: this is not funny

I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami