Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
You Might Also Like
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Usage Guidelines
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now