Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?

Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.

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Him: You okay?

Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?


Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]


I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.


‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco


[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray


Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.


“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”

MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China


I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.


Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight

Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-

Date: aww

Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*