Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
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Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*