Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.

🙂🙃🥹

Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

What is going on here?

Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?

*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!

The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam

Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today

Her: Do you know any dog photographers?

Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to

Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard

Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.

Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined

“Well butter my biscuit”

-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment

I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”

When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.

one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king

“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.

They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.

You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.

Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.

She wasn’t like other girls.

She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.

And prom was in one week…

No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.

The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day

I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.

Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.

I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.

This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh

My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.

Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?