SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
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One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
tinder is all about the long game
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal