SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
You Might Also Like
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
lmao😭🤣
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!