Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?
Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?
Son: yes
Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire
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A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books