Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes

I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers

Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind

Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages

If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.

Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me

Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then

Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?

This kitten is just what my house needed.

Another female that doesn’t listen to me.

“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities

A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain

I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on

why do people always ask “what do your tattoos mean?” bro they mean i had $200 and a free afternoon

My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.

All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall

Lean in

And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’

*being mugged*

me: “im warning you, i know karate”

mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”

[nail salon]

Excuse me, do you do filing here?

“Yes of course we do!”

Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*

CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!

ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?

Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost

A table tale✨

#TheRingsOfPower

My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.

You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.

Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”

My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2

I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping

Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

[driving test]
me: did I pass?

driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal

65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.

this could fix me