Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
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A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Store policy: You break it you buy it.
Cat policy: you by it you break it.
Me when my kids were little: I hope people like them and they make lots of friends
Me now: WHY ARE MY KIDS’ FRIENDS ALWAYS HERE
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
My flabber has been gasted.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.