Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
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Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
i want enemies
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth