Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.

me: before you hire me, you should know i take things

interviewer: like what?

me: time and care

interviewer: oh haha

me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits

[fire raging in my bedroom]

smoke alarm:

[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]

smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE

Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.

HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: yes why

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.

You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.

Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”

I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.

It was a twerk-place injury.

You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.

Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.

there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations

you stereotypes are all alike

9: Whatcha watching?

Me: Tiny Houses.

9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?

Me: Two people.

9: Are they married?

Me: Not for long.

no

My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”

as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over

Me: the warrant probably

Officer: you have a broken- what

Me: what

In 1987, an American weapons manufacturing employee joked to his boss that he had sold secrets to the Daleks. The boss reported the employee and the matter reached the FBI, where the investigation stopped after someone explained who the Daleks were.

Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.

Cat.

My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.

We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt

Me: safety first 🙂

Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*

[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂

There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.

She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.

Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

There’s no “u” in narcissist