Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”

Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”

[first date]

HER: ask me anything..

ME: are you paying for dinner?

Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.

Breaking news:

I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.

Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.

Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.

People say “Home is where the heart is”.

Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.

Idiots.

Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas

Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again

Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup

Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?

Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”

A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.

My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon

It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure

ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911

PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written

me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?

Five Guys: thats a peanut.

In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby

ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!

FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.

ME: It really is.

Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?

I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space

Card reader: this is not looking good

Me: mf’er, reshuffle it

me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far

alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”

A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.

[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.

“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”

i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses

It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes

You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.

Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?

Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.

[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee