Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

The ample amount of cheese on anything is more

Awwwww shit.

When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.

King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!

*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.

I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.

If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.

*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair

bus driver: well, i do not

I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.

“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”

I’m gonna need a lot more than that.

Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?

[before date]

friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that

[date]

her: so tell me about y-

me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND

I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when

Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.

I wonder if new batteries in my milk frother feels to my coffee and creamer what a fully charged vibra… you know what, never mind.

Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine

Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough

people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom

get you a girl who

family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”

It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”

“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.

Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”

[First day as an exterminator]

Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.

Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD

Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please

Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir

Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?

Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?

ㅤ

You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.

Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.

I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy

⚰

We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.