Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
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Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner: