This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
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*Holds centipede up to your cheek as you’re sleeping and whispers*
Hey baby, the restraining order said a hundred feet…
when I said I was doing “the Lord’s work” I meant arbitrarily passing judgment on people.
I cross-bred an octopus and a panda. Let me know if you’re interested in a pretty amazing hug.
Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.