@ThugRaccoons

Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend

Me: That’s a raccoon

Son:

Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you

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@markydoodoo

*strums guitar*

This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”

Hope you like it.

@samfromks

*Holds centipede up to your cheek as you’re sleeping and whispers*

Hey baby, the restraining order said a hundred feet…

@ellorysmith

when I said I was doing “the Lord’s work” I meant arbitrarily passing judgment on people.

@FuckabillyRex

I cross-bred an octopus and a panda. Let me know if you’re interested in a pretty amazing hug.

@karencreets

Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling

@TheresNoGodzila

When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.

@kenchengcomedy

[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]

Me: how many am I allowed

Guy: just one

Me: we’ll see

@haleysfalling

so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”

@Book_Krazy

Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow

Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*

Me: He means a graph

Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY

@Fickle_Filly

There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.

Idiot.