Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
You Might Also Like
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
ME: and make mine a double
WAITER: your…your tater tots?
ME: you heard me
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.