Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
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Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!