Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.

Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.

My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.

[garden]

tomato plant: how’s your summer?

pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year

tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-

ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.

*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”

Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some

Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging

“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”

Caller:

“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”

me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it

my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill

Me: *Asks question on snapchat*

Them: *Answers question on snapchat*

Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”

Finally

Signature Move

The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense

In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.

It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.

[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out

HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?

ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.

20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys

30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car

40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids

[stumbles out of bar with girl]

We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby

15: how come I have to go to bed but you get to stay up late?

me: cause I’m 41 and can make bad decisions

17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.

Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!

*Pulls out 10000 spoons*

If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.

If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.

My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE

For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.

My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.

Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.

Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?

Me: I got fired?

My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.

Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.

God: You found the Holy Grail!

Me: cool, what does it do?

God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.

Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.

God: you don’t want eternal li-

Me: I said pass.