Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]

Kids: Dad, what IS this place?

Me: I have absolutely no idea

I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.

DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.

BARTENDER: Olive or twist?

DICKENS: *looks into camera*

Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.

1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark

2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal

Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.

My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart

2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*

Me: not like that

my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you

Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.

Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.

Female judge: Case dismissed!

I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.

“You have too much stuff”

– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house

Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.

“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”

Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.

Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?

Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault

the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit

CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters

I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.

Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.

Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.

[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU

my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her

Harry Potter Diss Track

Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?

Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”

There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”

Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.

Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever

If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical

😂😂