Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
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I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming