son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
