Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare

me: me too. what was yours?

4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?

me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep

4: you know nightmares aren’t real?

me: yeah, I do

[me as a ninja]

[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]

[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]

“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me

I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.

I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.

My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy

It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.

I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.

i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way

I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡

The most avoided species of shark is the Loan

No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.

They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.

Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!

Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work

Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun

“Keep it in your pants!”

-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.

Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.

There is no “ea” in Tim.

friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out

me: [turning around] who

Medusa: hey

friend: I said don’t look

statue:

Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.

Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!

It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.

The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.

We have a very jittery first time flyer celebrating their 90th birthday today! So if you’re flying to Alicante with Ryanair this evening, remember to say Happy Birthday to the pilot.

Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.

“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans

“Deal.” — Mother Nature

today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total

You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.

Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?

Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.

Joker: No I…wait, what?

her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list

me: *writes* ‘chicken’