Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.

My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.

😂

I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.

Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…

ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.

me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg

me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie

[Wedding night]

Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this

New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room

Me: Am I? *winks forever*

My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.

Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.

Me, losing my shit:

Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!

prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”

Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun

“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand

Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.

This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.

50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.

Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce

“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”

My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.

Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.

Sorry I made promises on Friday

If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”

6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?

Me: Absolutely not.

(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)

If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??

I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.

Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.

Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby

Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after

Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy

Her: I love a bad guy

Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.

Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince

Well well well…