Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
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Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
😭😭😭
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it