Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited

“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically

Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”

Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”

*cop starts helping*

I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.

once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”

People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.

Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.

While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”

You think your wife is crazy now?

Try divorcing her

This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”

Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.

Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…

Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]

…EXACTLY.

A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.

you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now

Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two

The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.

Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk

Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?

Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

Plot twist

*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..

Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions

Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way

*first date*

Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!

Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!

My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy

Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”

*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.

I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.

we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology

Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?