Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.

getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.

This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour

Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”

If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.

chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.

My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch

Just found out my wife is pregnant.

Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus

Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ＳＵＭＭＯＮ ＤＥＭＯＮＳ

I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.

[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*

3: I wuv you Mommy.

Me: I love you too!

3: Don’t talk to me.

“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”

– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.

GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.

Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”

imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now

Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though

My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.

I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.

I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.

anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra

judge: i hold you in contempt

me: get in line, pal

airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”

My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.

We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.

Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.

2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!

*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.

We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.

Aw man, but that’s the best part

THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????

Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.