Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.

Did I spell something wrong?

my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?

me: idk, want me to google it?

him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this

me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree

him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense

This is bullshit!

I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.

*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*

fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!

My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.

The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.

Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.

Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.

Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.

[blind date]

HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*

ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am

Jesus Christ lmao

*leans forward*

*leans back*

*leans forward*

*leans back*

Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?

Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*

7:42 am

*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*

Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”

How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun

People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?

Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?

I think about this a lot

I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts

Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?

Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.

You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.

“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”

me: u ok babe?

babe: oink

I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”

I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”

Can’t shop there again.

Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???

Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.

Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys

Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size

Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?

Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!

Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.