Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
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yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
me: do you think he’ll ever walk again
wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Shortcut
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS