Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!

As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”

I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.

Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him

Therapist: Not a bad thing

Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan

her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot

Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)

You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind

me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby

him: mom I’m 35 years old

You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet

A work from home email:

Dear mom,

Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.

Best,

Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations

i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that

finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all

I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.

“Ninja please” -Japanese people

If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.

Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.

Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’

19: ‘What?’

Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’

playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me

I hear police are arresting people with perfect driving records.

The charge is wreckless driving.

[in music class]

Teacher: Be sure to take good notes

Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?

Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.

I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.

If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read

If you love someone, tell them.

If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.

“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works

Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder

Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*

My dog: *blasts off from earth*

Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .

If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too

If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.