Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.

I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”

[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”

Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want

Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*

3yo: Wipe me!

Me: What did you do?

3: Only pee and poop.

Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]

[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!

My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive

my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.

I like chaos.

-turns on news-

Not like that

You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.

Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.

HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.

Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??

I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.

Proofread twice, hang posters once

Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.

*wakes up screaming*

Wife: What happened??

Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.

Wife: Silly that’s impossible.

Me: The flying leopard part?

Wife: No, the part about you jogging.

I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa

Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings

I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.

[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]

Me: hold on I gotta take this

HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot

eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots

Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face

I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team

If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.

What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?

5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.

G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas

Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”

WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER