Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

man i love columbo

No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.

I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.

Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible

Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist

Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep

What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”

How to make emails sound livid:

“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”

Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.

Google maps: You’ve arrived.

Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?

Basketball

Me: Can I be frank?

Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.

Me: Get out.

Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement

Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot

I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.

Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration

If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.

5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.

Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.

Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.

I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.

Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?

the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls

I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.

Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.

when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye

Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected

What kind of rifle do comedians use?

JK47’s.

Shoot me.

I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.

getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process