Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”

Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”

About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.

*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*

This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.

Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.

Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.

I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”

your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”

Allen: I’ll never talk

Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that

[at sperm bank]

“Do you have anything on clearance?”

Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.

All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”

I unironically love this joke.

Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.

Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist

a rare painting of a porcu’melon

I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture

[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]

ME: *sigh*

HER: still mad at Totino’s?

M: yeah

Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.

I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.

Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby

Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.

If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.

pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle

architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife

pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes

Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.

There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.

Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?

Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.

If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.

me: i made my first million by the age of 21

her: wow, a million dollars?!

me: no, mistakes