Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar

wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”

The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.

Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.

Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin

I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser

If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.

Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.

Much healthy.

Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this

Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius

[NASCAR Press Conference]

REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?

DRIVER: Fast circles

How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.

Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.

Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.

Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes

Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?

My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:

“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”

Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!

My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.

I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.

That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.

I dug a small hole in the Earth.

I did a handstand.

Im wearing the Earth as a hat.

Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

Pro Tip:

If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!

My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.

I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.

BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip

I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.