SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
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Realize this:
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Unpopular opinion
The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
it must be school picture day
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help