Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay

[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler

76 vanilla wafers later.

“I don’t like these.”

All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.

Love is always patient and kind.

incredible

911,What’s your emergency?

Me: I think it’s a heart attack

911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead

Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING

Brilliant!

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

*jogging*

Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up

Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*

*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.

Partner: It’s raining

Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything

Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.

“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.

Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”

I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.

this made my day 😂

virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤

coronavirus: i got this

[later]

virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?

coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel

me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over

box of plastic wrap:

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

I hate all this sex on the TV

I keep falling off.

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.

My neighbor is PISSED.

10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?

Me:

Me:

Me: That’s exactly what it means.

This dude got his own movie?

Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.

Dog: *wags tail*

Me: oh you’re good.

Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this

Therapist: actually you absolutely are

Milk Cube

My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.