SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
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My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
welp
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.