Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?

Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.

Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.

[Later]

Her: You passed our stop.

Me: I am aware.

Daughter: goodnight Mama.

Wife: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Dada.

Me: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Moon.

Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.

Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.

Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.

Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard

going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters

ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty

One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.

I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit

My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.

I’m raising an evil genius.

astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them

I wish I were this cool 😂

Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!

The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.

Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?

My 6year old: You only asked once

I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials

My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”

No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then

[First Date]

Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)

Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome

Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-

Guy: *grazing*

I’m literally crying

Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

director: ok, hit the lights

me: *slaps a lamp*

director: no i meant kill the lights

me: *pulls out a gun*

Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.

Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′

[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?

First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice

Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”

-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…

Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.

I think suicide is selfish because there’s probably somebody out there who already really wants to kill you

I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.

I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.

#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness