Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
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[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic