@Iwriteforcats

Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.

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@deanjthompson

ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait

@mattytalks

She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen

@ThatBrenna

A tree house is the biggest insult to a tree. “Here, I killed your friend. Hold him.”

@FrazzleMyGimp

ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha

PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]

ME: Oh no shit shit shit

@perhapssomeday

My mother arrives on Friday, so I have to do three months worth of cleaning in 48 hours. Also, lose 30 pounds and live up to my potential.

@squirrel74wkgn

[looking at photo album]

Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy

Son: Why is your hair spiky…

Daughter: …and long in the back?

@PleaseBeGneiss

GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean

SHARK: nice

GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land

HORSE: cool

GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean

BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?

GOD: um

BLUE WHALE: um what?

@Jerrypleasure

[Restaurant]

Date: I like guys who plan ahead

Me: If you die early, I’ll marry my ex

@MotleyTheMutt

Her: We really need to do something about global warming

Me: Yes, I agree *takes a sip of Fiji water that has been flown halfway across the planet*