Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
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If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in