Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
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[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
every time I roll over in the middle of the night
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Message from teachers: no clubs this week
Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week
Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week
School electronic sign: no clubs this week
Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates