Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?

MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president

5: what happens if I turn 150?

W: you die

The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.

Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon

I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.

If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.

Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.

so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”

They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.

Who called it girl math and not galgebra?

Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.

Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.

Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?

CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.

Me: …Oh

Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅

Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”

Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!

Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.

My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?

Me: That was fun! Fist me!

Him: What?!

Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*

Him: …..

Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with

Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5

If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.

When I face a minor setback

I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him

lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-

me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!

An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.

Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader

My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession

I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.

I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”