SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
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[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER