SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
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Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Saturday
Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Headlines With Threatening Auras.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.