SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
You Might Also Like
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Brands during Pride
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
How times have changed.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap