Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?

Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious

No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.

If we’ve learned anything from history…

I’d be amazed.

[first day on wind farm]

me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze

Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put

-spider hokey pokey

DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.

I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.

– people with the right amount of body parts

Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead

The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.

All my life lessons were learned by watching people who took my advice.

Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.

“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.

With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse

My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried

I have two arms and should easily overpower him

WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5

ME: ok

[later]

ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud

DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*

When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.

Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.

[invention of croutons]

Let’s make eating salad hurt

When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”

6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”

My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table

My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.

Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.

Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken

ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea

How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle

Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.

Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…