Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*

Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world

In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be

[2015 Bird Awards]

AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN

(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)

“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.

If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.

*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”

WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH

The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.

FOR SALE: air guitar, never played

If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.

You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.

I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.

Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.

Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep

[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet

Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.

ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.

MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.

guys I’m not able to take a screenshot of my spotify wrapped but it’s full of super niche underground alt critically acclaimed artists that none of you have probably ever heard of I pinky promise

[First Date]

Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting

Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too

I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered

Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.

ODE TO TWITTER

🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶

UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.

before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’

after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’

Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!

10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.

the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me

Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.

A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed

Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.

Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”

My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.

In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.