Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.

People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.

Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.

How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?

Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.

*calls bullshit

Bullshit: Who gave you my number.

Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.

As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.

Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.

I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.

did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything

If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.

Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.

I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.

Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.

i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses

It’s like this photographer has never seen a woman bring a rotisserie chicken to her Boudoir session before.

There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.

wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats

I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.

I should not have taken this before my big rap battle

cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table

My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.

I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.

Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.

Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy

I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping

A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.

My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.

if we get nuked while i’m at work i’m gonna be so mad