SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
You Might Also Like
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
pictures of spider-man
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
They’re on their honeymoon
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
batter: *hits homer*
Simpson: ow
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.