Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman

The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail

Best spoiler warning ever

I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget

Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.

Brain: you adorable idiot.

Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?

Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.

Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.

Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad

date: you look nice

me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate

The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.

Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit

I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.

My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned

As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”

Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?

If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…

Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)

they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…

Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.

Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die

Nobody puts baby in a corndog.

white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha

My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.

She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here

She does not

Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months

Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert

Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know

Me: what?

Nurse: Coldplay sucks

turtles are just lizards who work in construction

CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.

1: Can I do the cancan?

2: You mean may, not can

1: Can I do the canmay?

2: No, the first can

1: Can I do the maycan?

2: No. May I do the cancan

1: No

Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears

Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot

Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby

My toddler stole bacon off my plate.

We all had a good laugh.

Then I made her move out.