son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
You Might Also Like
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Hang in there buddy
Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain