Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker

General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.

Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs

Me: I’ll cook

Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?

Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”

me: how often should I water it?

florist: you’ll just know

me: I absolutely will not

cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life

I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.

Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.

A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.

A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.

“I am a gift to this earth.”

[Earth regifts me]

“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”

Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science

[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]

Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.

I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.

My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??

I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.

I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”

I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “

Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.

the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again

When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”

Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME: did the dog put you up to this

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.

coach: what are you doing???

me: you said do 50 singles

coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos

me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!

Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.

I’ve got this.

*grabs a hammer*

I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt

If Mr Krabs owned a bar

*holding flashlight to face*

And then I pressed……update all.

*children screaming*

I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home

I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.