Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
We’ve all been there
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Hungry me has no respect for bathroom scale me.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
new shirt idea
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing
