Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
we must combat the global scourge of underage baking
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Found this absolute gem on the floor at work???
Just did a big green poo by a canal
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
