Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
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Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.