SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
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[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Who needs an Air Fryer?
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
What’s a Messi?
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
There’s always that one guy
