SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
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Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Sending in my taxes
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa