Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
You Might Also Like
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”