Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this

Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*

The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!

A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:

“That’s a bit of a blow”

i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain

Been there, done that.

– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning

Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.

Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.

Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.

We are NOT ok.

That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.

‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage

Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.

This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”

A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.

I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…

*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”

My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.

I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.

He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk

[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”

Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids

“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now

[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable

“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?

Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.

I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.

Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.

There’s a doctor here to see you.

Doctor who?

No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.

Not muting your mic is the new reply all

Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night

*Heaven*

God: you may ask me 1 question

Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?

God: what?

Me: I wanna write loud numbers