Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
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wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.