Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gf: Let’s role-play

Me: Ok you be a writer

Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write

Me: ooh that’s good

My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”

Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.

If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx

Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.

ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit

SON: it’s called homework

I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.

I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.

Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.

Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.

According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later

Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.

Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.

It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in

The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.

According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.

I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours

I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed

I threw a ball for my dog.

May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.

Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!

*Gets on Twitter*

*Looks up as ship is sailing off*

There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal

The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously

My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.

Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.

I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist

[first date]

him: what’s the one word that best describes you?

me: I’m acerbic

him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia

me: no it means I have a sharp tongue

him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food

9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge

Me: yes

9: you gonna cook it?

Me: yes

9: I love you

Me: I know

My daughter is so critical…

“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”

I’ve got a mind like a computer. Not like as “in quick information processing,”…. but like as in goes to sleep after 5 min of inactivity.

Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.

Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.