Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else

me: I’m eating a new piece of cheese every day

them: is it for an advent calendar

me: no

I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics

Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.

Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life

Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.

You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.

I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.

$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.

My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.

Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?

Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.

How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?

Me: I’m a programmer.

Person 1: “make my website pls”

Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”

Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”

Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”

Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”

12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.

Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?

I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.

Instead of a tweet up,

I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains

You know…

A Couples Retweet

Them: What is wrong with you?

Me: How much time do you have?

Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.

Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter

Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.

*getting murdered*

wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us

You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.

But it was nice of you.

Can you explain the gaps in your resume?

Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about

I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.

“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”

I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely

my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together

My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist