Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *

* Looking for my gloves in the shed

[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.

“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts

[first date]

Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.

Me: What happened to your eyebrows?

Her: Not like that.

This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.

WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America

ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.

Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?

people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago

Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!

Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you

For 23 years, I’ve been taking the minutes for the monthly regional managers meeting. Nobody has ever asked to view them before, so since going wfh I’ve been using the meetings to do my online food shop instead. I’ve just been asked for the minutes from our January meeting.

[at a party]

Host: may I take your coat?

Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes

Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?

Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK

you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child

PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-

ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.

PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.

ME: *gasps* How can you tell?

Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?

DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?

ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right

It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.

today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more

okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?

*room chuckles*

*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith

Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.

Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…

Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.

Single Men say: Yes

Married Men: Try to hide

“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.

“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit

i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.

ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)

I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.

It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”

What a random, consistent, coincidence

So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?

me: can i be frank for a sec

boss: sure

frank: thank you