Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*

Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.

look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once

boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!

me: haha yep ti–

boss: tacos!

me: tacos!

[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak

My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.

Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.

Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.

Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.

Him: we met six seconds ago.

Friday night plans

*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it

him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?

her: no thanks

me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho

When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it

Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.

EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

[blind date]

HER: I’m a big dog person

ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford

On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.

Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit

Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree

so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement

Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists

“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced

I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.

I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.

9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!

Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?

9: It matters for two minutes.

Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…

You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.

“Waitress!”

Waitress: “Sir?”

“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”

Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]

Mortician: we’re gonna need that back