Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
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Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
we’re gonna need another temp
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Hey! This isn’t my car!