Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[job interview]

-Describe yourself to me in one word.

-poor

You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*

*dressed a toddler

A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.

If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today

Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”

me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?

me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing

him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been

me: I tried to kiss a goldfish

Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.

Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.

If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong

[rap battle]

Opponent: *crushes it*

Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*

Did my cat write this

Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.

When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.

Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?

I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied

Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.

Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.

[First date]

HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants

ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT

School be like

Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti

Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that

I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.

I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads

New modem

5yo: What is that?

Me: an alien detector

5: It has a glowing green light.

Me: means it found one.

5: It’s pointing right at you

Me *evil grin* I know

me: when is the last time you had a bath?

4: tomorrow

The probiotic bottle says there’s a billion good bacteria in every dose. How do we know they’re all good? Out of a billion can we be sure there’s not one mean ass microbe just waiting to escape the capsule and kill someone?

[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living

I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.