Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
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DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Golf would be better with landmines.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
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Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’