Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’

I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.

sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*

prison guard: ok you’re free to go

Me taking notes in a meeting 😅

I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.

I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.

papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers

little cloud: *tinkling over desert*

papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!

Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught

Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.

You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…

….vocabulary.

11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house

I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!

ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight

PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*

Ways in which I’m like a bus:

– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells

Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.

Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.

Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.

“Can I get a umm…”

-every person ever at the drive thru

The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭

Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.

They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness

Human are so complicated

[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*

HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*

ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*

A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich

Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?

Whoa… oh I see lol

“Smell ya later”

-me, to my asparagus

The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.

My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.