Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“you changed” bro i was 15

By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.

If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.

How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists

*seductively annoys the shit out of you*

Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you

I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove

We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.

Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.

I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.

Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face

I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”

Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!

ME: gimme a beer with a thick head

BARTENDER: you got it

BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?

If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.

If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.

nobody: …

my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.

At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.

A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.

If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.

Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again

Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.

Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?

Me: Two.

4-year-old: It was nine.

Teaching her to count was a mistake.

when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone

angel: what should zebras look like?

god: completely innocent

angel: ok

god: they could do no wrong

angel: got it

god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar

I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario

[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]

Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!

[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seek

me: nice to meet you

voice from behind the photocopier: you too

I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!

*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar

doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live