Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
You Might Also Like
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
X-tra spooky blend
You know you’re a writer when you have file names like “final_draft_V15_updated_edited_this_sucks_going_to_rewrite_this_garbage_i_need_a_drink.doc”
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
For anyone who needs this today
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall