Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
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Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Me: I’m sick. Do we have any ginger ale?
Wife: No, just ginger beer.
Me: Does it work the same?
Wife: I don’t know.[9 Moscow Mules later]
Me [on front lawn, naked except for a cowboy hat]: IT WERKS BETTAH
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
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