Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.

I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.

When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.

Her: I bet he’s thinking about other women

Him: If you drink a lot of beer, you get a beer gut. If you smoke a lot of weed, you get a pot belly. Haha I’m hilarious

Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.

I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.

Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?

trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”

A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:

Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.

Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …

[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”

When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.

Me: so when will I actually receive the shark

Loan Shark: what

ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course

[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?

If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.

When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place

I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.

[teaching my boyfriend cards]

ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse

HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*

I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children

PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there

[creating anchovies]

God: How can we ruin pizza?

Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.

I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed

I miss getting my misinformation from less places

In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.

Her: I like dogs

Me: *dies in 10-13 years*

A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁

i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper