@ThugRaccoons

Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?

Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.

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@aveuaskew

“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”

Exactly

“What?”

It’s inflation

“I hate you”

@AmericanGent69

As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.

@Jake_Vig

Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…

@NoticablyBacon

Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single

@Token_Geezer

Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out

@envydatropic

My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.

@NewDadNotes

[pushing my son in his stroller]

Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?

Me: 35

Stranger: I was talking to him

Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.

@FrazzleMyGimp

DR: Good news and bad news

LADY: What’s the bad news

DR: Your husbands dead

LADY: *crying* Oh my god

DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is