Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
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I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Well, shit
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Important reminders
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job