Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
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“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
“I hate you”
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is