Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[bakery]

Robber: Give me all of your bread

Baker: *starts emptying the register*

Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too

Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes

It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary

A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.

Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.

Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.

Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.

tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy

Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”

Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.

Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.

Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.

Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.

Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.

I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?

Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.

Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane

person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!

me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.

Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader

I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?

I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.

If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.

*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*

I expected that to go differently

quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric

Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.

[repeatedly mashing elevator button]

him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker

[starts licking elevator button]

She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”

Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*

Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car

My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”

Some people see the glass as half empty.

I see it as the reason I have to pee.